Greenpoint Photos Du Jour: DIY

August 18, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

The junk shop gets a number of interesting items— and although I try to refrain from posting a great many of them I couldn’t resist sharing this homemade Spuds MacKenzie doll.

Spuds

spuds2

If my memory serves me correctly this canine had a taste for Stroh’s. But hey, this is Greenpoint: Garden Spotters prefer tall boys.

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Starter: Fun At The Junk Shop

March 26, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

The following was originally intended to be a “day-ender” on Thursday but due to circumstances beyond my control it has been relegated to “day starter” status Friday. Not that it diminishes the content in any way: it doesn’t.

stevewithsurvivalkit

It all started with this little plastic bag as displayed by my co-worker Steve.

emergencykit

It was an “Emergency Kit”. When this item was brought to the attention of the “Greenpoint Round Table” hilarity ensued.

As did a rather incisive view into the workings of the male mind.

CAVEAT:

  1. There is language in this clip you do NOT want your Human Resources Personnel/humorless cubicle monkeys to hear.
  2. All the featured players, e.g.; George Diaz, Kerry Bomb and I are comedians to one degree or another. Take it in jest. No offense is intended nor should be taken. We make fun of everyone, each other and ourselves, as you will see.

On with the show!

I worked ten years in corporate America before deciding it was not for me. There was something about that environment that never sat well with me. Perhaps it was the structure, hierarchy and artificial sense of geniality? Or was it having more stringent expectations placed upon me, a woman, regarding my personal conduct and appearance versus that of my male colleagues? Probably all of the above.

The previous having been written I am grateful to have been involved in the previous and admittedly vulgar dialog. I cherish above all things honesty. George Diaz was honest— if not politically correct— about his feelings regarding homosexuals and the transgendered. He was also being a comedian. It’s been my personal experience that people such as George are not the ones who propagate hate. It’s the ones who refuse to talk.

OR LISTEN.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Pay Phone Du Jour: Free Your Mind…

March 26, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

(And Your **** Will Follow)

chewy

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you who are interested in doing a little “exploration” in the name of freedom will be pleased to know The Thing still has a fine selection of accessories for infants of all ages.

nappy

Yes, that’s “My Little Pony”.

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: Let Them Have Porn!

February 20, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

porn

Last night I had a conversation with someone I (and many others) highly respect. After airing concerns about his work situation (and who isn’t concerned about such things nowadays?) he confided in me that he wasn’t really good at anything but writing. He seemed to be depressed about this, but as someone who could, would, should be earning five figures as a sales person (but whose heart is lies in art and mayhem) I understood. Some people are simply not “cut out” to sit at a desk. We want to roam, take photographs, write and follow our creative flights of fancy; my blog has been a product of this as is his.

Does this make us any better or worse? No, not necessarily— but being different doesn’t pay for shit. Then again being the “same” isn’t as safe as it used to be. I know too many people who have been laid off in Greenpoint to recount here.  And many more who fear for their jobs. This upsets me tremendously.

However so trivial I take a perverse pride in my daily tribulations at the junk shop— if for no other reason because I suspect my fellow New York Shittites might enjoy them.

Larry da Junkman was sick, so he took a break outside. I, albeit briefly, presided over the junk shop. And with this came the supreme perk: I selected the music. And what did I, the decider, choose to play? The Beastie Boys, naturally. AS LOUD AS I COULD PLAY IT. And who decided to chat me up in return? Lovers of porn and Dire Straits.

Mostly porn.

There may very well be a recession but I can personally affirm the demand for porn has not dropped. It has in fact increased.

When I was nine years old I had my whole life planned out, e.g.; getting educated, married, having a “nice” job, kids, etc. Somewhere along the way I took a wrong right turn. And now I find myself being the Greenpoint masturbation mensch.

Do I have any regrets about this, you ask? HELL NO!

Miss Heather

P.S.: This is dedicated to my fellow creative weirdo— you know who you are!

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: Sherlock Holmes

February 7, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

It is an excruciatingly rare occasion that my boss Larry and I will exchange meaningful “WTF” glances with each other when a customer enters the store. And when we do it usually means one of two things:

  1. The person in question has shit his (or her) pants.
  2. The person in question is certifiably insane.

As of yesterday afternoon now I can include a third reason: the person in question is old enough to be my father and is wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat with neon green glasses.

sholmes

When this dude came through the door I knew it was going to be interesting. It most certainly was. What started it all was when I asked Larry who the sweet little old lady* was who left the store because “she was so cute I just wanted to pick her up and keep her in my pocket.”

Upon hearing this “Sherlock” chimed in:

sholmes2

Don’t you want to keep me in your pocket?

After giving this some thought I said “Sure, why not?” and took the above photograph. The manifold ways in which this man was fascinating are simply too many to recount here. Follows is snippet of conversation following “Sherlock’s” refusal to pay $5.00 for a beaten up conch shell. Enjoy!

New to the neighborhood or just visiting? I can only hope it is the former. This man should have his own t.v. show.

Miss Heather

*And by “little” I mean at staturesque height of  5’2″ I towered above her.

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: MORDRED!

January 30, 2009 ·
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady, Greenpoint Magic 

mordred

It’s been some time since I have caught up with Greenpoint’s most stylish pup: Miss Mordred. I am pleased to report she is doing well. As you will see in this little video of her strutting her stuff along with her big brother Zoltan at the junk shop. Enjoy!

What’s next for Mordred, you ask? Well, Jocelyn (her person) is going to dress her up as Grimace and we’re going to collaborate on a very special fashion shoot. Stay tuned, this is gonna be good!

Miss Heather

Musings Of A Junk Chick

January 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

thething

Yesterday I got to do something I suspect not too many people have the pleasure of doing nowadays: declining a job offer. Well I suppose it was more like declining the opportunity to discuss a job offer. Unlike a number of businesses a former employer of mine is thriving. So much so he had created a new position; one he felt I would fill splendidly. I probably would. However, it would probably entail curbing my “creative” endeavors in a very substantial manner. This is something I simply cannot and will not do. Besides, I am perfectly content at my other “job”.

Working at a junk store does not pay $50,000 dollars a year but this is not to suggest it doesn’t have its perks. For starters I am under no obligation whatsoever to be nice to a customer if he or she is behaving in a belligerent manner. Just today I slammed the door in the face of a man who would not shut up. I am not going to lie to you: it felt good. In addition my boss Larry has a great sense of humor. One of his favorite things to do is to tuck items of a very special nature in and around the area I am entrusted to tidy up. This too came to pass today.

basket

This is one of the baskets gracing the jewelry counter. As you can clearly see there some photographs have been placed in it. Let’s take a look, shall we?

mashedbananas

A pair of woman’s feet mashing overripe bananas on a plate. Yummy. Hmm, what else do we have here?

dirty-feet

A juicy close-up of a dirty pair of woman’s feet. Even better. I found a great many more photographs of this ilk today. Follows is a selection of my personal favorites. Enjoy!

inthepark

I call this one “Barefoot In The Park”.

atlanticcity

Isn’t this Atlantic City?

spicegirl

This brings a whole new meaning to “Spice Girl”.

hulkamania

Oh my.

hulkhogan

HULK-A-MANIA!

freddy-krueger

Freddy Krueger too?!? Say it ain’t so Joe…

creamyfeet

Um, ok.

tonka

Built Tonka tough!

nasty

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

But to get back to the purpose of this post: there are some things you simply cannot put cash value on. Yours truly places high premium on entertainment. This is one of the many reasons I live in Greenpoint. I also fancy myself to be an urban anthropologist. The stuff that comes (and goes) from the store is not just clutter to me: it is a telling testament of the human condition. Which bring me to this.

bigbird

…Snuffleupagus moved the rock on the third day, freeing the Chosen Bird to do His father’s bidding.*

(priceless)

Miss Heather

*Note this comes courtesy of dc108 (see comments). I loved it so much I amended this post.

Happy New Year From New York Shitty!

January 1, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

I can think of no better way to kick off 2009 here in the Garden Spot than with this very special assortment of New Year’s babes. They hail from the junk shop and (I have been told) were used by a performance artist for one thing or another. I for one like the gal garroted by the Ikea I.D. holder.

Miss Heather

READ THIS FIRST

December 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

(Or some strangeness from the junk shop).

Yesterday The Thing had a customer with a most interesting request. He was seeking a thoroughly craptastic gift for five dollars or less. It was for his brother in law. I had honestly never given the matter any thought, but the good ol’ junk shop is an excellent place to purchase gifts for that not-so-special-someone: amongst all the treasure to be found are some items if, not outrightly repulsive, are downright odd. Yesterday proved to be no exception. I found an ancient, rusted out vaporizer, we agreed on the asking price of one whole dollar and our intrepid brother in law was on his merry way.

On that note I would like to share a couple choice discoveries I made at The Thing yesterday while rustling amongst the boxes (UPON BOXES) that were delivered recently. Enjoy!

1. One Bag of Floppy Disks With A Most Mysterious Note

I happened upon the note first.

This was a good thing as it enabled me to follow the author’s instructions to the letter. Let’s see what were are to read first, shall we? It looks pretty important.

Whoa dude! It’s one thing to toy with man’s life but his son’s puberty as well?!? As it would happen the Mister possesses a floppy disk reader. Guess what we will be doing this Christmas holiday? I can hardly wait.

Next up, I remember my parents telling that my Kindergarten class held a mock election in the aftermath of the Watergate scandal. Amusingly enough, my none-too-politically-aware classmates voted unanimously for Tricky Dick. I suppose that’s to be expected from a bunch of five year olds, but what about a grown adult who sees fit to erect a shrine to the man whose middle name is Milhous? Yup, you just read me correctly.

2. The Richard Milhous Nixon Shrine To Freedom

Methinks this will have to be made into a postcard. Or something. Ideas anyone?

Miss Heather

Last Minute Gift-Giving Ideas From The Garden Spot

December 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

What do you give the person who has everything? Well, a blood test immediately comes to mind to yours truly but here are a few other suggestions.

Just for Fun has lotto tickets, Polish and American flags, fake butts, elephants, American currency toilet paper and a “Sassy Girl” who drops her top and sings a saucy tune. What’s more they’re open on Sundays from noon to 5:00 p.m. and as far as I know is the only place in our fair burgh that sells butt plugs. Stick that in your chimney and smoke it!

Just For Fun
982 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

When I encountered this delightful item at the Thing I couldn’t help but feature it. First I played a round of “Tower to Tokyo” with it. Then I proceeded to use it like c.b.:

Busted Rubber this is Bearded Clam talking. There’s a whole bunch of Tampax ahead. Do you read me? That’s a big 10-4!

If sculptures of hairless hoo-hoos are not your taste the Thing also has this one.

I’m not too sure what the point of this object of art is but if you want to shake up your office Christmas party (if your office has one and you have a job) this is undoubtedly to item bring. Sure, it’ll set you back $70.00 but just imagine the look on the H.R. person’s face! Human Resource professionals are (in my experience) the most worthless waste of human flesh this side of the post-Perestroika world. If they’re going to fire you, the least you can do is make the amount of paperwork they have to file copious and interesting. Professional bureaucrats hate that sort of thing.

And this ought to do it.

Vagina Sculptures ($50.00-$70.00 each)
The Thing
1001 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

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