Bushwick Photo du Jour: Willoughby Avenue

January 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dog Shit Signage 

No Dumping

You can always leave it to good ol’ Bushwick to get right to the point.

Miss Heather

The Shittiest Corner in North Brooklyn?

January 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bum Shit, Bushwick, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

Melrose Street and Bushwick Avenue

I have a confession to make: living in Greenpoint has made me pretty jaded when it comes to encountering mass quantities of dog shit. As I went for one of my infamous four hour walks earlier this week I was summarily jolted out of my torpor by the utter HORROR which awaited me at the above-depicted intersection.

Bushwick Avenue Shit

This is Bushwick Avenue. When you turn the corner onto Melrose Street it doesn’t get much better.

Melrose Street Shit

Words fail me.

Miss Heather

Cat Call du Jour: 168 Meserole Street

January 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole 

As I tried to go to sleep Monday night, my husband (in his infinite sensitivity) asked:

So how does it feel to be (excised) years old?

Nothing says “I love you” like reminding your missus that she is eight months older than you on her birthday. Way to go, Mr. Heather!

Thankfully, I made the acquaintance of a few chaps at 168 Meserole Street yesterday who didn’t treat me like an old skag. They voiced their interest in yours truly by whistling at me.

168 Meserole Street

I strongly recommend that any woman who is need of a quick self-esteem boost walk by this building. Trivialities such as basic human dignity mean nothing to these fellas; they’ll howl at you like the sexy beast you really are (underneath those sweat pants)!

Assholes on Meserole

And once they have sated their manly urges they’ll even play a rousing game of peek-a-boo with you.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Fun With Duct Tape

January 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Duct Tape Bike

I found this bike parked in front of the Astral Apartments on Java Street. Note the use of TWO different shades of duct tape.

Miss Heather

Day Late, Dollar Short

January 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Dancer Boy

I found this card advertising “Dancer Boy’s” services while walking down Lorimer Street yesterday. Too bad I didn’t know about him a day earlier, he would have made my birthday festivities a lot more provocative.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Oh yeah, nice pmanties.

Knock, Knock…

January 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Williamsburg 

Who’s there?

Fucking ugly, that’s who!

Maujer Street Shit

I present to you, dear readers, 147 Maujer Street. Per the Department of Buildings a partial stop work order exists on this property.

149 Maujer Street Dob, SWO

Or would that be three Stop Work Orders? I am getting a little confused.

149 Maujer Street SWOs

Per their latest deposition, January 7, 2008:

DOB BIS 149 Maujer 1/7/08

Guess what? They were back at it January 8!

149 Maujer Tower of Bricklaying

So much for the Department of Building’s “enforcement”.

149 Maujer, left view

And good taste, for that matter. This thing looks like something from the Soviet Union. Those phat balconies have a nice view of housing projects. Sweet!

149 Maujer Brickwork

if they’re going to go to this much trouble to break the law— repeatedly— the developer could do us all a favor and do so with matching bricks.

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Greenpoint Real Estate Rhetoric

January 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Some of you may not be know it, but a brave new concept in real estate is being explored at 231 Norman Avenue. The development in question is called the Greenpoint Lofts and their shtick is selling condominiums for commercial use. I have walked by this complex a number of times and aside from the annex in the back looking like a Motel 6 it struck me as decent quality work.

Perhaps their attention to construction will explain the lack of advertising savvy for this facility? I say this because I found the below advert for their “business ready condos” on Manhattan Avenue today and something immediately struck me as being amiss.

Greenpoint lofts

Now I do not know much about the German language, but then again I do not really need to. My issue with this ad is very simple: why is a(n incorrect) piece German punctuation being utilized in an advertisement for a development in “Little Poland”? While scarcely an old timer, I have lived in this neighborhood long enough to learn a few things about the local Polish population. They are as follows:

  1. They are very proud to be Polish. Rightfully so.
  2. Many of the older residents are not too keen on Germans (or Russians for that matter). Although I have never bothered to ask why, I suspect World War II informs this distaste.

I am certain the team of wizards who came up with this logo thought nothing about the linguistic ramifications of this jaunty piece of punctuation and quite frankly I wouldn’t expect them to. If such folk were interested in the vagaries of history, pogroms and poverty, they would have majored in them. This also explains why using the slogan “Make It Yours” did not strike them as being the least bit ironic: Adolf Hitler once made Poland his.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Is Dead

January 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dog Shit Signage, Williamsburg 

Rambo says Williamsburg sucks

It has recently come to my attention that there is a blog with this very title. I have not taken the time to check it out extensively, but this snappy passage certainly piqued my interest:

Depending on how long you’ve lived here, the number of times you’ve had the following experience might vary: Walking along a familiar street, a block you walk a few times a week even, something jars you. The distribution of storefronts, pedestrians, and apartment stoops is just off. Maybe you stop, investigate. And then, there it is. Some new restaurant or store or bar where literally, you swear to yourself, there was nothing there three fucking days ago. Maybe you curse aloud, quietly, (really just barely a whisper, under my breath) if you’re like me, or maybe you symbolize your internal discontent with an exaggerated head shaking. Or you just frown briefly. And why? What did this plasma-screen laden sports bar ever do to you? Or that desperately-wanting-to-be trendy “club” that should make its way back to Soho where it belongs? Or that second dessert shop to open in a month? Which offenses, exactly, are they guilty of? I’ll tell you.

And he (or she) does.

Whatever “artistic marrow” the ‘Burg once had has long since been sucked dry or forced to move further afield. I mention this because yesterday I discovered one of the most inspired bits of chicanery I have seen in a LONG TIME on Montrose just east of Bushwick Avenue.

Montrose Avenue Sign

I initially thought by “pigs” the maker of this sign meant the police.

No pigs allowed

Upon closer inspection I realized he/she was referencing whole different breed of pig: people who leave their doggie dumplings on the sidewalk. And judging from what I saw during my jaunt in “East Williamsburg” I’d hazard to guess there are a great number of people who engage in this practice. Those of you who have a strong stomach (and nothing better to do) should check out Humboldt Street between Montrose Avenue and Meserole Street. It’s a fucking minefield.

Miss Heather

Hooray For Global Warming!

January 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Some of you might have noticed that yesterday’s offerings on New York Shitty were few. There are several reasons for this:

  1. January 7 is my birthday and sitting in front of a computer is not my idea of a good time.
  2. It was damned near sixty fucking degrees outside.
  3. When the weather is unseasonably warm, New York’s more colorful citizens come out to play and I like to join them in the revelry.

Man on Third Avenue

I saw this guy when I made an emergency trip to Ricky’s in the East Village. While a little difficult to see in this photograph, he even sports white mascara. It’s the above attention to detail that impresses yours truly, even though I could do without the swastika. Anyhoo…

In order to get to Manhattan I had to ride the Crosstown Local.

The Tyson of Liberty

Behold, the Tyson of Liberty! The riders might have given the G a failing grade for service, but I give the riders an A+ for artistic prowess.

Jesus

Here’s a nice close-up of Jesus presiding over the destruction of Manhattan. Speaking of Jesus, here is an annotated poster from the Metropolitan platform.

Fitzgerald is born!

I don’t remember how the original poster read— what’s more I don’t care. I’d rather be edified by the epistles of crack during my wait for the Crosstown Local. It just makes sense.

For a more social life

It would appear those wacky Williamsburgers agree. They just can’t get enough of the stuff! But enough with the drug humor, let’s get back to Greenpoint.

Cloverfield

A patron on the Queens-bound platform has a more scatological take on this (ubiquitous) Cloverfield poster. Upon closer examination I discovered there’s a little something for everybody.

Penisfield

An ejaculating penis.

Boobies and Flatulence

A pair of gravity-defying breasts and an explosive fit of flatulence. The latter piece of imagery (rendered in Colonoscope) of reminds me of something I read on The Poop Report recently. It was penned by one “Farmer Brown”:

…I stood up, cursing a flowing string of swear words like a preacher caught in a whorehouse, and delivered one final foghorn fart that made me want to puke my guts up like a jock after a Colt 45 binge.

In closing, I might be one year older but I haven’t really grown up. Miss Heather still loves her some good scat chat. For those of you who don’t, I apologize for offending your more effete sensibilities.

The Santalope

And don’t forget: the Santalope loves you!

Miss Heather

Word of The Day: Continuity

January 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Dung of the Day, Other Shit 

n., pl. ties. 1. The quality or state of being continuous. 2. An uninterrupted succession or unbroken course.

This little vocabulary lesson goes out to Hunt Architects.

795 Grand Street

The above masterwork (at 795 Grand Street) suggests they could use a refresher course on this concept. I for one am a big fan of the institutional-looking gray balcony.

Enver Hoxha’s Balcony

Nothing says “luxury duplex” like good ol’ Soviet-era construction. For a moment I thought I was in Albania!

Miss Heather

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