Greenpoint Video Du Jour: The Moonshine Soliloquy

December 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

I have said it before and I’ll say it again. Nothing has facilitated the culture of narcissism in this country more than the cellular phone. No matter where I go someone will undoubtedly be jawing or texting away with total abandon. When I go to the grocery store I will be invariably be stuck behind some woman multi-tasking a stroller, tendering her credit card and yammering away. BADLY. Restaurants are fair game as well. While I’m trying to savor my enchilada I am edified about how Lauren couldn’t possibly be Jewish because she is from Nebraska. I recently came home from dinner in Sunnyside via the B24. The entire ride home I had to listen to the bus driver in a heated argument with his girlfriend about something or other via his Bluetooth.I don’t know what it was about and I don’t want to know; I just want to get back to Greenpoint alive. Is this so much to ask? For a measly $2.00 (and given the MTA’s current financial woes), perhaps it is. But back to the purpose of this post.

In addition to impolite cell phone users yours truly also hates shouting. Unless there is a damned good reason to shout (e.g.; someone is about to walk in front of a moving bus, Barack Obama is elected president, New Year’s Eve, a rousing round of the World Cup, being batshit crazy, etc.) I see no reason for to engage in this practice.

Therefore you can imagine my delight when I had the pleasure of listening to some man scream profanity like a howler monkey into his cell phone for a solid twenty minutes last night in front of my apartment building. I was not prepared (How can one be ready for such an eventuality?) but I did manage to get some usable footage (crank up the volume for maximum f-bombtastic fun!). I’m not too sure what set him off. I think it is about a $400 phone bill. Or something. In any case be patient and savor “Moonshine Soliloquy” at the end. It’s worth the wait.

In the clarity that is 20/20 hindsight I could have assisted this chap. Mister Heather has a stash of applejack. I could have readily offered this to this gent in exchange for him shutting the fuck up. Or I simply could have dumped it on his head and lit a match. Either way it would have been a sad waste of hard liquor.

Miss Heather

Image Credit:

Semantics a la Sharpie Marker: A Little Holiday Cheer Courtesy Of Mott Street

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Manhattan 

Speaking as someone who was once in management and as such had the pleasure of drafting* and receiving many an assholic memorandum in my day, I have to say this is one of the finest specimens I have ever seen.

Sharpie marker + a piece of a plywood = ONE CLASSY OPERATION.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Miss Heather

*Regarding such delightful subjects as:

  1. Please refrain from stealing other people’s food from the office fridge.
  2. Please refrain from physically threatening people who steal your food from the office fridge.
  3. Please refrain from urinating and defecating on the floor of the men’s bathroom.

Boobification Photo Du Jour: Seizure Time Bowl

December 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Asshole 

Arguing. That’s what the Mister and I did yesterday. First it was where to eat. Next it was how to get there. Then it was taking a cab versus subway to meet my friend for her birthday soiree at the Leisure Time* bowling alley in the bowels of the Port Authority. We took a cab and I lost my cell phone. Nonetheless I still had a good time.

Conditioner beyond the foul line is slippery. Report abnormal
conditions to the front desk person.


Miss Heather

*Where one person in our party was nearly given the Midnight Express treatment for smuggling in a bag of pretzels. I am not kidding.

‘Tis The Season: Styrofoam Dreams

December 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

It would appear that erecting a manger is so prohibitively expensive in Greenpoint nowadays it necessitates selling air rights for high rises. I wonder if former city councilman, failed pretender to the Brooklyn Boro Presidency, Libertarian, despoiler of north Brooklyn and all-round real estate whiz lobbyist, Ken Fisher, is behind this arrangement? If it worked for Ismael Leyva, surely we can spare a little FAR Jesus of Nazareth!

Miss Heather

Spotted On Humboldt Street…

December 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

and headed towards Driggs Avenue as of 1:30 this afternoon, representatives for IDT Energy are still spreading their holiday cheer scam across the Garden Spot.

Upon noticing the clipboards I had my suspicions. When I saw their I.D. holders emblazoned with the “IDT Energy” logo they were confirmed. For more information about what IDT Energy is up to check out this post on the Gowanus Lounge or check out this flier the one man* army over at Concerned Citizens of Greenwood Heights has created to make people aware of what these miscreants are up to. And while you’re at it, why not rattle off a concerned email to a few of your elected officials (see end of post)?

I have… and so should you.

Miss Heather

*Who rocks despite the fact he went to J.J. Pierce. (Inside joke)

Fun With Internet Image Filchers

December 1, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Asshole 

As time goes on I am getting more and more peevish at people who for lack of proper netiquette (be it out of ignorance, sense of entitlement or sheer laziness) use/upload my images without bothering to ask, much less giving proper citation(s) of said image(s). For those of you who are wondering, here is the proper protocol for using my images:

  1. ASK. In all likelihood I’ll say yes. What’s more I will be very grateful
  2. At the very least cite who captured said image. READ: me.

The previous having been said you can imagine my delight when I received this missive from fellow Greenpointer, nice guy and incredibly talented photographer: Kitchen Prof. He wrote:

Hey Heather

I ended up having some fun, and I thought I’d tell you about it. Since Alan Colmes is quitting “Hannity and Colmes,” the pictures of Colmes from a blog post I did a while ago have been “borrowed” by bloggers writing about it. So, I thought it might be entertaining to switch out MY pictures on THEIR blogs.

These extreme right wing clowns got their Colmes pictures replaced by W in a nice uniform (screen capture attached in case it’s gone when you see this).

As of last night this image has been replaced. However I saw its modified incarnation. It was quite something.

You can see a larger image by clicking here. What amused me about this act of image theft was the perpetrators didn’t even bother to download it: they linked to it directly. Thus enabling the Professor to have quite a bit of fun. And it didn’t stop there.

And the other picture I replaced another blog remains. Alan Colmes has become a large tuna…

the Professor wrote.

And as of the writing of this post it still does. But in the event it gets pulled down here it is.

So there have you. Let’s see how long it takes before I get angry missives from the proprietors* of these respective blogs. Regardless of your political inclinations, dear readers, grabbing images on the web without citing them is not very nice. Granted, we’re all guilty of this to some degree or another but let’s try to make the web a nicer place. Okay?

Miss Heather

*Let’s face facts: anyone who would propagate this kind of claptrap HAS to be male— and probably fantasizes about wearing a dog collar and eating from a dog dish. It has been my observation that the people who make these kinds of accusations do so because they’re guilty of it themselves. Or very much want to be.

Image Credits: Freedom Brothers Screencap courtesy of Kitchen Prof

DRATS, No Rats!

November 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

A tipster wrote on Saturday, November, 9, 2008:

labor action down at either northside piers or 184 kent. TWO rats are up.

I went down there without delay only to discover a few protesters, NO RATS and jaded affluenzics.

I asked these chaps what was up with the rats.

Miss Heather: I was told two rats were down here, where are they? Or did you have to pay them time and a half?
Union Man #1: On Sundays they get paid double time!
Miss Heather: (laughing)
Union Man #2: We only pull out the rats on the days they work. Yesterday we had 200 hundred man here.
Miss Heather: Yikes, it was so nasty out. After working I went home!
Union Man #2: They served lunches yesterday.

Then we discussed the joy of “scab labor” in north Brooklyn. One protester put it this way:

It gets worse. First they build in Manhattan, then DUMBO, then Williamsburg, and Greenpoint. The further out they go, the lower the quality.

Miss Heather: No shit. I have the pleasure of living on the same block as Magic Johnson’s condos.

They immediately felt sorry for me. As I did for them.

“Cutting corners” I asked: “I thought everything being built here was crap, what makes this building special?”

They laughed.

That’s why I rent in Greenpoint. And won’t buy “to own” crap like this:

$2,900 for a one bedroom apartment is 2x what I pay for rent.

In Greenpoint. I LOVE Greenpoint. Why the hell should I move?

Miss Heather

P.S.: The orange fur gracing the photograph gracing the beginning of this belongs to Mr. Heather’s cat Artemis.

He was engaged in some kind of solidarity sit-in atop the scanner and I saw no reason to remove him.

Reader Question: 110 Green Street

November 3, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

A writes:

… (name excised) mentioned to me a while back that you live near me… and that you had also been having issues with the construction workers at magic johnson’s wonderful new condos.. and that you had phoned up and complained – do you have the phone number for the appropriate offices? i am completely fed up with them saying shit to me every single time i walk down my street..

Truth be told I did not phone these assholes up. This is because I felt blogging their bullshit (preferably with photographs) in the vain hope of shaming them publicly to be more effective. That said, my advice to you is to send a detailed letter to their sales office outlining some of the experiences you have had at the hands of the “professionals” who are building their luxury Valhalla. For shits and giggles why not copy HollabackNYC on your tome as well? In all likelihood they’ll be more than happy to publish it. As will I!

Attn: Sales Office
110 Green Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

HollabackNYC: hollabackNYC (at) gmail (dot)com

Good luck and of course you are more than welcome to recount these gents’ assholic behavior here on New York Shitty. Last Friday I shit you not one of these turds snatched candy off my tray designated for Trick or Treating children. He and his loser cronies thought it was funny.


Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Father Giorgio Triangle

October 19, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Williamsburg 

As some of you might remember this plaque was stolen and sold for scrap last month.

Miss Heather

Well Look At This

October 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

After writing about the bag depicted to the left LAST WEEK it has come to my attention via Gothamist that the New York Post has brought this to the attention of the Russian Orthodox Church (with predictable results). Way to go guys, that’s what I call professionalism! Perhaps I should provide you with my mailing address so you can simply cut me a check (READ: finders fee) every time you use my web site for news leads without citing it? Would that make it easier for you?

Please advise.

Miss Heather

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