On The Subject Of Spam

September 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Asshole 

I have been receiving a lot of it of late. A. LOT. While always irritating, now the brains behind sending me, a female, adverts for Cialis, Viagra and porn sites featuring blushing young woman doing very dirty things have added yet another diabolical flourish to their sordid solicitations: asking me to confirm receipt of their crap.

Now let me tell you, I harbor the nothing but the darkest possible hatred for people who engage in this practice. Experience has proven to me time and time again only corporate drones who can’t find their ass with both hands —and as such assume I cannot either— ask me to confirm receipt of their emails in this manner. Anyone who would program a robot shilling porn and pills (I clearly do not need) invokes a hellish wrath in my person mere words cannot adequately describe. Seriously. We’re talking rage, kids.

On that note I am going to give them what they want: confirmation of that I received their missives. Miss Heather style: haikus using their own fucking ad copy.

Louise (I Love You Long Time)

El saludo im
Louise im 24 years old.
My ass wait you here!

Lulu

Ola im Lulu,
To My Group Sex Video.
Look rather at! Thanks!

Never Give Up (Ode to Cialis)

When you are young and
stressed up. When you
are aged never give up…

That felt really, really good. Methinks I will have to write more of these moving forward. Keep the spam coming assholes (and I have no doubt you will). Now if you don’t mind I’m off to write a Bad Date Haiku.*

Miss Heather

*Anyone interested in making a contribution (until we establish a “system”) can do so by emailing me:

missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com

Be sure to include a link to an accompanying photograph. How will you know I received your email? When I post it, that’s how!

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Bridge To Nowhere

September 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Vomit, Williamsburg 

From Bedford Avenue.

Miss Heather

P.S.: For more fun stuff about Ms. Palin click here.

Be advised much of the previous and follows is disgusting.

I for one like her charging rape victims (or their insurance companies) for rape kits (to save the taxpayers the expense). I have worked with victims of violent crime. It is not an experience I will forget anytime soon. Have you ever had a mother SCREAMING at you over the phone that a hospital turned over charges for her daughter’s rape kit to a collection agency?

I have. I referred her to the local “rape shelter”. They paid for it.

Have you ever had a mother yell at you because her son (10 years old, raped by “a man of the cloth”) is trying to kill himself and needs medication?

I have. I referred her to the “boss”. The boss took her call. He got his meds.

Have you, Sarah Palin, ever seen the face of sexual violence? I don’t think so. It was a parade of shameful parents and children passing my desk. Apologizing to me for being there. To get financial assistance for something that was outside their control.

Do you think rape victims were asking for it, Sarah? Or were are they simply a tax a burden?

The office I worked at was funded largely by V.A.W.A.: Violence Against Women Act. If my memory serves me correctly Joe Biden’s office was responsible for this, not you.

Your creds are as follows, Sarah:

  • Beauty Queen/MILF (look it up)
  • Marginally qualified, but panders to the religious right and has a twat
  • Your future son-in-law is a train wreck. He chewed gum “like a tool” during the RNC. We, being the jaded and godless New Yorkers we are, find him fascinating.

I eagerly look forward to your Veep debate Sarah. Cry sexism as much as you want, Biden did more for women than you ever did. Or will.

Thank You Magic Johnson!

September 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

I see your face on bus shelters exhorting people to get out and walk more because it is good for their well-being (on the behalf of Aetna— if my memory serves me correctly). I started doing just this two years ago (without you or Aetna’s help). It works. Sometimes I walk from Greenpoint to Bed-Stuy, Clinton Hill or Bushwick and back. Just for the fun of it. When was the last time you went to Bed-Stuy, Magic? Just curious. But I digress.

When I get back home (to Greenpoint) I want to rest. This is rather difficult to do given that your development —one which seeks to uplift my humble hood from the utter squalor we lived in before (which wasn’t that bad) —to condos starting at $400,000 a pop —works consistently later than the law allows. Sawing, hammering, dumping garbage into containers. I have heard this at 8:00 p.m., 8:30 p.m. And as of last night even later:

Do you want to promote good health, Magic? If so, make your workers at 110 Green Street stop work at 6:00 p.m.* Sleep deprivation is a killer.

Miss Heather

*And ask them to refrain from verbally abusing women and teenage girls. I have actually made it a point to walk around my— or would that be your block— so I will not be cat-called by your workers. Kisses, hisses, etc.

I’m not the only one.

To Whom It May Concern At 200 Franklin Street

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

If you are going to violate a Stop Work Order (and it is pretty clear that you are) could you be a little more discreet about it? I mean, having two cement trucks grinding away on the street is a little obvious. What’s more, your workers might want to take a little more care handling the stuff (READ: cement) coming out of said trucks. Blindly flinging a hose into a wheelbarrow might result in someone (READ: me) getting spritzed IN THE FACE, HAIR AND CHEST with cement.

See those little flecks on the above pair of sunglasses (which I happened to be wearing at the time of said incident)? That is your cement, dude. Had I not been wearing sunglasses that shit would have gotten in my eyes. Not only is this a woeful waste of construction material, but in some circles splattering cement in someone’s face would be considered RUDE.

Mind you the previous are all only suggestions. If you want to go for a third Stop Work Order (and I am increasingly of the impression you are), keep it up.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to take a bath and mull over calling 311.

Asshole.

Miss Heather

Studio B Rides Again!

September 17, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

Last weekend they had an event replete with busloads of clueless people being dumped on Banker Street and asking for directions.

Greenpointer #1:

We went through the same exercise last night. (name excised) finally went out and walked over, because of the one school bus whose alarm kept going off was killing his head.

it was a private afterparty to accompany some concert/event down in coney island. when we got home at 11:30 there were about 200 ppl waiting outside, the club wasn’t open. eventually when the half-dozen school buses showed up with their passengers, the place opened.

they were NOT stupid enough to open the second floor.

there was a driveby of two patrol cars when (excised) was over sniffing around – that was about the time that the security out front yelled at the bus drivers that they could not doublepark and block the road – and they left. also for what it’s worth, i was up until about 2:30 and heard someone yelling more than once that people could go in or go home but they couldn’t stand outside.

the biggest issue seemed to be that people honestly had no idea where they had been dropped off so they stopped on our corner repeatedly to discuss. (Excised) helped one or two of them along.

i don’t know what the legalities of renting it out for a private party are. i can’t imagine that C of O is different in that situation.

Greenpointer #2:

HOWEVER, this gentleman: http://www.myspace.com/djsammyj85 is performing this weekend (September 19, 2008) at an event at Studio B. The flier is in his MySpace profile. They are offering bottle service and buses from Jersey.

Per Denis Hamill Studio B is planning a real BLOW OUT September 27!

Those of you who want to read the rest of this article can do so by clicking here. Otherwise…

Studio B has no cabaret license. Per the DCA 259 Banker is a retail establishment. What’s more, they (being Studio B) cannot legally hold 2,000 people; the legal occupancy is 461 people. No more, no less. Best to do your research first, Mr. Hamill. Regurgitating press releases without proper research does not constitute journalism— no matter how right the end may be, what Studio B is doing is wrong.

I’m not against helping “Dr. Tom”. I simply think it should be done right: Advertising Studio B as a 2,000 seat venue is fraud (or very bad reporting). I live in Greenpoint. I operate a humble blog about my ‘nabe. You might have heard of it, Mr. Hamill— many journos like to use my site for “leads” without crediting it. New York Post, mostly.

I did my research, clearly you didn’t. You’re the professional journalist. Not me.

Shame on you.

Miss Heather

Miss World: Our Future Vice President

August 31, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Asshole 

What was it that first enchanted me about Sarah Palin? Her status as a (failed) beauty queen? Her moving speech (upon accepting the Vice Presidential nomination) that her career in politics started when she joined the P.T.A.? Crowing about her FIVE CHILDREN?!?

I did not want to watch her speech. And for the most part I didn’t: I listened. Mister Heather played it on the television. I could not restrain myself from leaning over and looking at this “hockey mom” who could be within a “heartbeat” of the Presidency and thinking to myself:

This is scary.

I am a bad feminist. I do not toe the line. In other words when someone (in this case John McCain) throws a bone to “female voters” like Ms. Palin I am not impressed. In fact, I am offended.

Miss Palin is a token. Tokenism is the last and worst vestige of discrimination in this country. There are a number of female Senators, Representatives and Governors McCain could choose from. Olympia Snowe comes to mind. But McCain chose this bimbo. One whose qualifications lie between her legs, not her record.

I’m an independent. Come November I’m voting Democrat.

Simple as that.

Miss Heather

Post Script: Ann Richards why did you leave us in 2006? You could have cut this woman to shreds and I would have savored every bit moment of it.

UPDATE 9/1/08: Get a load of this. Apparently I am a political pundit now. Who knew? Otherwise I made a funny today over lunch worth sharing…

Miss Heather:

You know, I wouldn’t actually mind having a male beauty queen for Vice President. As a matter fact I might like it. Wait a minute, scratch that. We already had one: Dan Quayle.

My Trip Up Shit Creek: Part Deux

I learned a funny thing yesterday. A “friend” will invite you on a boat ride of Newtown Creek. He will later even laud the photographs and the footage you shot. That is, until some person at Channel 13 (who hired said boat and seems to think all the intellectual/creative property gathered from it is his) raises a stink:

Hey Heather,

I’m glad you enjoyed the trip on Newtown Creek the other day. I’m not sure if we officially met but I know you talked to my associate Daniel. I’m writing because I was checking out your blog and I noticed you’d posted several videos of the trip. I don’t mean to be any sort of stickler but it makes me a little uncomfortable to have other people reporting on the same thing which I hired a boat to capture. I don’t have any problem with you posting photos or stories about the trip but the video just happens to be exactly why we were there and sort of crosses lines of exclusivity. So, let me profusely apologize for having to ask but I would really appreciate it if you would take the videos down.

So, my other question would be how you knew about the trip. I didn’t have any problem with people coming out with us as long as they were out of the way but no one told me we should be expecting guests so I don’t really know how that came about.

Anyway, sorry again. If you’d like to chat about it, feel free to give me a call or email back.

Thanks much,
-t

I’m not a chatty kind of gal. Just ask my parents. I rarely answer the phone, much less pick it up and call some condescending chap who wants to “chat” about why my seven minutes of film footage does not undermine his “vision”.

Dear old dad taught me a few things about anger management, albeit accidentally. One of them was I can channel anger in a constructive manner whose effect, in turn, is actually quite the opposite: destructive. Call what I am about to do passive/aggressive or one of life’s little ethical loopholes and/or gray areas. Call it whatever you want. Sure, I yanked the “video” showcasing said “exclusive material” —and I replaced it with another one. This. Now I am bringing back the original.

Pa Heather, this one goes out to you. You know better than anyone that no one can make me shut up.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I’m not taking this one down. If the peeps at Channel 13 have some special interest in publicly humiliating my husband (or training him to recycle correctly) I want a piece of the action. Simple as that.

Studio B Is Taking Their Cabaret License Hearing Very Seriously

July 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

Never mind the fact they have been operating without a cabaret license for some time.

Or the irregularities pertaining to their second floor.*

While the hired guns/blissfully ignorant speak on their behalf at the Public Safety Committee hearing at 6:30 p.m. July 31st, Studio B will be getting ready to… PARTY HARD!

Biz Markie with a special live dj set hosted by Masta Ace with Large Pro and Marco Polo. Exclusive perfomances by other special guest artists plus

Open Mic

The first 25 MCs to register at the door will get to spit live over Large Pro and Marco Polo’s Beats

Open Mic hosted by: Jeru the Damaja, Juju of the Beatnuts, End of the Weak, and the world’s #1 battle mc, Iron Solomon

Doors: 8 pm

Price: $12 in advance or RSVP/$18 at the door

How’s that for chutzpah?

Miss Heather

*Which I have heard was shut down by the city 7/23.

Comment Of The Week: 156 India Street

July 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: 11222, Asshole, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

I guess I’m late in responding to this, but my then gf & now wife lived at 156, in the back house. I should state that I am a structural engineer. The first time I went there, happy to be invited back to a new girl’s house for the first time, I was absolutely floored by the condition of both buildings on the property.

There were holes in the front house that birds had happily nested in. The hole thing had an odd slant to it. Her friends who lived there asked me if I could do anything, but I knew that reporting it would get the place condemned, leaving them with no place to go and moderate fines for the Owner. Which is pretty much what happened.

My wife moved in with me to a nice place a few blocks away last year, but one of her friends stayed, only to come home to fire trucks & police in front of her house one night. She was given a small window to get her stuff & find a new place to live. As a younger single woman with family & friends in the area, she ended up ok, but there were families in the building who had been there for over 10 years, and I know one Polish family had a profoundly disabled wheelchair ridden child. I can’t imagine what they did.

That there is often no significant penalty to owners/landlords like this is just wrong. There should be criminal penalties associated with this type of abuse.
Rant over!

Yes there should be, but our city doesn’t seem to be too keen on defending the rights of lowly renters. If they were real go-getters they’d own a condo by now.

(Soapbox)

I am not a go-getter. I rent. As do great number of people in this neighborhood. We cannot afford a down payment on a $500,000 condominium and as a result we place our trust in landlords. They are the guardians of our personal safety. Unfortunately all too many of them are like Mr. Nealis.* When landlords fail, we call 311. To little avail. This city should be ASHAMED of itself.

Miss Heather

*Who I am certain would love to have this lot demolished. It’s probably worth more without rent-stabilized housing on it.

Comment Of The Week

July 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

This masterpiece of post-Feminist (and decidedly anti-Twinkie) rhetoric comes from a chap who calls himself* “REALITY”. It is in regards to this post about Studio B. Enjoy!

I have read your site, you have to be the most sexually frustrated person in the neighborhood. I have live here for around 20 years and I have never seen anyone BITCH as much as you. If I had to guess you have to be an over weight fat chick that has no life and wants others to be miserable like yourself. I also figure you don’t get out much either, and looking at your site when you do its to BITCH. If you don’t like the area or whats going on move back to where ever you came from because anyone reading your blogs damn well know you are not from new york and if you are you gotta be from the freaking suburbs. Do everyone a favor move out of the neighborhood, and if you can’t do that stick one of those Twinkies that you have been fattening yourself on in your mouth because that seems to be the only time anyone will be happy. Get out of your apartment lose some weight and maybe you might get a guy who will take you out in public which would be like a place like the Underground, Exit , Studio B hell maybe even to the zoo. In closing GET A LIFE and leave the neighborhood alone it was fine before you got there and it will be better off when you leave.

You know I thought about “getting a guy” to take me out “in public”, but then I realized my husband would probably not be too keen on the idea. Oh well. In any case, “REALITY” sure talks a tough game. Too bad his mommy didn’t teach him about IP addresses (good grammar or gender sensitivity).

Note how the IP addresses for Agnes Piekarska (the Manager of Studio B) and “REALITY” match.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to buy some Twinkies.

Miss Heather

*Although I suppose this could be a woman.

  • NYS Flickr Pool

    Debbie HarryPigeon outside funeral homeSuited for the RainThe Waiting RainI Love MH (Monster Hunter)Play Sand34th Street & Herald Square StationEvans and Little Streets
  • Ads