Found In East Williamsburg

April 1, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Bushwick, Williamsburg 

asshole1

Hmm… I wonder what that round thing is? I think I’ll go over and get a closer look.

asshole2

If anyone out there is missing an asshole no worries, I found it on Varet between Bogart and White Street. You might want to tote along a little Charmin. He (or she) looks a little “soiled”.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: Street Theater

March 6, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

mayyoubehappy

Have you ever had one of those mornings when something comes to pass over your first cup of coffee and you think to yourself:

I suppose it can only get better from here.

Earlier this week I had one such morning.

Now I will endeavor to explain to you what you have just watched. The gentleman on the left is filling this apartment building with heating oil. This is the job he has been hired to do and in order to discharge his responsibilities his truck has to idle in such a manner so as to obstruct the street. The woman to the right (who clearly has somewhere she needs to go and needs a S.U.V. to get her there) is displeased by this. She wants this chap to move his truck. Our heroine lays on her horn. Repeatedly. This, in turn, precipitates a lively exchange from which I overheard a number of colorful colloquialisms including but not limited to:

  • “Suck my dick.”
  • “Fuck you.” (numerous times)

It was at this point I grabbed my camera and, well, you can figure out the rest. For those of you who are wondering the woman eventually gave up, turned her gas guzzler around and commenced her commute using a different street.

May your day be happy. May your day be peaceful.

Motherf**ker. 😉

Miss Heather

Crosstown Local Photos Du Jour: Fool’s Gold

March 4, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Crazy People, Crosstown Local, Greenpoint Magic 

oro1

Initially the Mister couldn’t understand my fascination with this poster other than the fact it is really, truly, seriously, BAD product placement. Some watery tart doing yoga on the on the East River does not appeal to us Greenpointers. As a matter of fact we find the water here quite revolting. But I digress.

Who’s Cluck?

Mr. Heather asked. I pointed out the subtle commentary via ball point pen.

oro2

He got it.

theproblem

I wonder if either of the previous fellow G train travelers is aware that Dean Palin, the mastermind behind the Oro Condominiums, has been given the greenlight to build a 39 story tower on West Street? I don’t think so. Well, he has (courtesy of our local Community Board) and it’s ugly as hell.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Audio/Visual Presentation Du Jour: Fun At 1:44 a.m.

January 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

I have often been asked why I live in Greenpoint. To date I have yet to give (what I consider to be) a satisfactory answer. That all changed today at 1:44 a.m.

assprintnys

That is when I got to watch (and listen to) a group of three drunk hipsters cheer on one of their comrades while he wiped his ass on someone’s car.

Yeah, you can’t see jackshit in this vid but you sure as hell can hear it. It is rather difficult to channel your inner Cecil B Fucking Demille at 1:44 on a Wednesday morning. This is an hour those of us who do not have trust funds (or work third shift) can usually be found in bed. Usually.

Unless of course you have a bunch of drunken 20-somethings cavort down your block in the wee hours of the night like it is Bedford-fucking-Avenue, knocking over trash cans, trying to set off car alarms and cheering each other on to increasingly stupid, loud and obnoxious behavior. In which case you’ll find yourself sitting in front of a computer at 3:00 a.m. in Greenpoint writing about it.

Miss Heather

Have You Seen Dubi?

January 13, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Crazy Cat Lady, Greenpoint Magic 

dubi

I just received the following (and very disquieting) email from my friends over at District Dog regarding the above depicted pet. Please give it a read as the circumstances under which this dog disappeared are more than a little dubious. Rob writes:

Hi Everyone,

I am sure you have seen the signs for the MISSING BLACK AND TAN CHOW/ SHEPARD MIX in the neighborhood.  It was last seen with a girl about 5’10” and blonde hair, she was wearing a brown coat.  The dogs name is Dubi,  he is a well taken care of dog, we can attest to this.

If anyone has any information, please contact us immediately.

We just returned from our trip and are heartbroken to hear that he is missing.

We have been told that the girl that took him from Christina’s Corner Store believed the owner abandoned him.  This is not the case.  The dog was in the park with the owner running around with his leash hanging and took off.  Someone must have tied him up at the corner store.  We can understand the initial interpretation, but circumstances cannot be assumed.

Hiram, Dubi’s owner has been to the police and shelters with no luck yet. He received a message from the person who took the dog, saying she was not going to give the dog back. This is illegal.  She has not even spoken directly to him yet and did not leave a number to call back.  We have been told that she lives withing a few blocks of the store.

PLEASE PASS THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW IN THE AREA.
WE CAN BE REACHED 24/7 AT 718.290.7434
OR BY EMAIL rob (at) districtdog (dot) com

PLEASE HELP US GET DUBI HOME.
TELL EVERYONE YOU SEE IN THE DOG RUN OR WALKING A DOG.

If you have seen Dubi please contact Rob via email or the above telephone number immediately. Let’s get this handsome chap back to his rightful owner. Thanks!

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 1/14/09: I spoke to Rob Maher this afternoon. Apparently the woman who left the voice message stating she was not returning this gentleman’s dog also berated him for not offering a reward. Naturally if I get my hands on this delightful missive you can look forward to hearing it on New York Shitty. In the meantime I will have to be satisfied with adding the coveted “asshole” tag to this post.

Bushwick Photo Du Jour: Reflection

104centralnys

From Central Avenue.

Miss Heather

Night Of The Living (Brain) Dead: The Gift

December 28, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

I used to be a serious gore hound. I attribute this to my mother’s habit of playing racketball when I was a wee little one. When she went to the health club to clobber some balls I was entrusted to the care of the club’s owners. I was given all the Tab I could drink and luxuriated on the shag rug in their office while watching horror movies. LOTS of horror movies.

That said, there is some snuffy stuff I simply cannot bear to watch anymore. Zombie movies mostly. This came to pass after I wrote a college term paper about George Romero’s “Dead” trilogy, primarily Dawn Of The Dead. At 21 (or was it 22?) years of age I finally figured out what the previous movie was really about. I have a healthy appreciation for Mr. Romero’s social commentary but the fact of the matter is it hits too close to home. My home: Greenpoint.

After a wonderful dinner last night with some very charming, intelligent and above all witty cat-loving (T)expats in DUMBO I encountered the above slew of idiots as I exited the Greenpoint Avenue stop of the G. Instead of running away I stood my ground and filmed them. Amusingly enough they didn’t seem to notice me or they (in their infinite naval-gazing, search for Bedford Avenue* or intoxication) didn’t care.

One chap did a bump of coke, another while too blotto to walk— even with a cane— somehow managed to contact someone on his i-Phone and write a memo to himself via the condensation on a parked B61 bus. Afterward most ambled over to McDonalds (one of the few restaurants open late hereabouts— god have mercy on the underpaid souls who had to serve them because they won’t) to get some kibble before going home. Where did these hipster zombies come from you ask? Studio B, in all likelihood.

Those of you who beg to differ with my hipster/zombie analogy please (re)view the Dawn of The Dead Trailer and my YouTube footage and explain the difference via comments. If you choose to take the mundane, yet prevalent Internet stand of “this is the city what do expect” and/or the “you’re just old/ugly/fat/under-fucked” argument I humbly request that you post an additional essay about where you plan to be in ten years including a step-by-step plan as to how you are going to get there.

Miss Heather

*One chick shouted (to no one in particular):

Can we get to Bedford Avenue on the G?

If I was a truly evil human being I would have given her the following advice:

Yes, take the G to Bedford-Nostrand.

But I’m not and I didn’t.

Joe Lentol Is On IDT Energy

December 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: 11222, Asshole, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

Here’s a fact sheet courtesy of Concerned Citizens of Greenwood Heights.

Learn it, live it, love it— or get screwed. The choice is yours.

Miss Heather

Studio B Is Dead, Long Live Poisson Rouge!

December 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

Anyone want to buy a nightclub? If so, Studio B is for sale. Gothamist wrote:

Things aren’t looking so hot at Brooklyn club Studio B—Grub Street is reporting it’s on the market “for $1 million and a $22,000-per-month rent.” The club, based on Miami’s Studio A, has been hitting roadblocks all along since opening in Greenpoint two years ago. But so far neighbor complaints, stop work orders, Miss Heather, and illegal rooftops haven’t been able to shut the doors for good…until now? Promoter Justine D also shared her departure from the establishment in an email today, explaining: “I’ve been busy making the transition from STUDIO B to an amazing new venue called (LE) POISSON ROUGE.” Currently their calendar runs through the end of January.

There are a couple of points I would like to (kindly) call Gothamist on:

  1. Justine D left Studio B in October.
  2. Studio B has been on the market for some time now (Hey, if an employee at the Mayor’s Office of Special Enforcement knows it was on the block back in August, who doesn’t?)
  3. I know for a fact an event slated for March 2009 at Studio B was axed and moved elsewhere. Hmm…

The previous having been written, I would like to take a moment to post (and savor) this rather snarky and utterly assholic comment from one of Studio B’s hired guns (regarding this post):

Please be advised that the Department of Consumer Affairs issued a Cabaret License for Studio B on September 22, 2008, pursuant to which it is operating. The roof remains closed pending further work and inspection.

Sincerely,
Paul J. Proulx, Attorney for Studio B

Duly noted Paul, although I am disappointed Ken Fisher didn’t email me personally. I hate getting missives from underpaid wipers of other people’s bottoms. But then again I suppose I should expect to get guff from the “B” team (as a citizen and blogger). It doesn’t really matter now anyway, does it? You got your paycheck.

Miss Heather

Word Of The Day: Nondo

December 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

(Or Ray Of Blight: A Dear John Letter to Magic Johnson)

Curbed wrote:

…You know the Viridian? (the ugly Modernist monolith depicted above— Ed. Note.) The high profile luxe condo at 110 Green Street in Greenpoint? We got a tip that it was going rental. We resisted running it as a rumor, even though we fully suspected it was true. An immediate denial was not forthcoming. The Viridian is still on the Developers Group website, although it is at the very end, behind two other buildings that recently went rental. Today comes word from a spokesperson: “According to The Developers Group, it’s being considering to convert the building to rental, but it has not been confirmed.” That, friends, is a polite way of saying “nondo in the works,” but we have to work out the legalities and paperwork. The building will be 130 units. The first segment of the building is slated to open by the end of the year or early 2009. Phase II is slated for late spring and Phase III is due in Q3 2009. Listings had shown asking prices for 1BRs starting at $458,000, 2BRs at $639,000 and 3BRs at $825,000. A little more than a dozen units had sold.

Non-do, n. pl. nondominiums: a substandard housing complex of dwelling units erected with a heavy measure of speculative greed, a promise of urban renewal (and a celebrity’s smile) with the cheapest labor and materials available in the hopes that each unit will be purchased at above market value. When the economy (and abject stupidity with a down payment) fails they dump their cheap crap into the rental market. See: Greenpoint, Suckers; Dewey, Cheatem and Howe or The Cocoanuts.

Um, this doesn’t look like a standard brick and mortar job to me, Magic.

Perhaps it’s because it is transparent (as opposed to opaque). I suppose that’s what renters and your 13 suckers buyers (or to see the glass half full: %10 OCCUPANCY) should expect for their money. For what’s it worth, your lackeys removed the siding peeling off the first floor of your dump testament to progress. I for one am grateful for this, as a humble peon who has the pleasure of living on the block where your testament to progress DUMP is being erected; it made walking down the sidewalk challenging.

Your eager beavers are working day and night now (without impediment from the Department of Buildings who I am certain someone in your chain of command paid off nicely) but none have seen fit to get rid of the vandalism. Including the bit of graffiti on the pillar next your building’s front door. You might want to look into that; it’s a turn-off to virtual golf-goers and roof-top cabana enthusiasts. And for the record I can state unequivocally that there has never been as much graffiti (or GARBAGE) on this block since you and yours saw fit to raze a fair chunk of it. Thank you for making Green Street less beautiful (or more ugly) place, Magic.

That’s not to suggest we didn’t have our good times: I got many a chuckle when workers from your site patronized my place of employment. A junk shop. Who doesn’t want to buy some porn (DVD only— urination, scat vids, much less Blackeyed Pees were unacceptable– only “fucky fucky”), stereo equipment or the odd saw (power strip, ruler, etc.) on his lunch hour? Especially when the scabs free market capitalists you hired are expected to provide their own tools? I was more than happy to assist them.

In my free time I have been verbally abused by your workers. Hissing and kissing noises mostly. Occasionally a chap would grab his nuts (to remind me I have none): a thankful reminder that I have no little head to overrule my “big head”. You’re a class operation, Viridian. I can hardly wait for phase 3, Magic.

Just like syphilis, your project is the gift that keeps on giving!

Miss Heather

  • NYS Flickr Pool

    Gravesend CemeteryOffice BuildingBuildingsDebbie HarryPigeon outside funeral homeSuited for the RainThe Waiting RainI Love MH (Monster Hunter)
  • Ads