Fedders Friday: 158 Freeman Street

June 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Fedders Friday 

Today’s Fedders Friday goes out to Bobby Scarano.

Not only is he one of the most ethically-challenged architects this borough has had the misfortune of becoming acquainted with, but he is also a Fedderista!

Here’s looking at you, kid.

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday: Chinatown Style

June 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Fedders Friday 

I rarely go to Manhattan. Maybe once a month at best. I have made certain adjustments in my life that render the fairest of all New York Shitty’s boroughs irrelevant. But when I go there, I make it worth my while. Even if it involves forcing my mother to behold the utter ass that is being built in this city.

CASE IN POINT: this atrocity at 18 Eldridge Street

Here’s its neighbor. Note the craftsmanship. This was not only built to last, but it was also designed to please the eye.

This, on the other hand, was built to please the wallet. The developer’s wallet. Could someone please explain to me why they see fit to build balconies as minuscule as this, much less adorn them with excessive amounts of chrome? If this your idea of good taste and/or ample space*? If so, please speak up.

Here’s the top of the temple.

Here’s the top of 18 Eldridge. Note the use a decorative “keystone”. I have noticed that this is a common feature of Feddertecture.

And did I mention it also has Fedders boxes?

Oy vey!

Miss Heather

*Karen Carpenter excluded.

Butt Ugly In Bed Stuy

May 30, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bed-Stuy, Fedders Friday 

(Or, the Gruesome Twosome)

I have been hard pressed to find something that can begin to approach the Fedders fineness of last week’s offering. After all, how can one possibly top medical waste boxes chained to burglar bars? To this end I have decided to feature two buildings from Bed Stuy. I have taken to calling them “The Gruesome Twosome”. The reason I have given them this moniker will become all too clear soon enough.

This beauty hails from the intersection of Stuyvesant Avenue and Lexington. Note that the city has bothered to place a reproduction vintage lamp post on this corner. This attempt at beautification is totally undermined by the steaming pile of doo-doo behind it. Follows are a few of my favorite accouterments:

  1. The phlegm-colored awning gracing the right-hand property.
  2. A rather tall fence demarcating the property. If you look carefully you will notice this fence is grey to the right and white to the left. I guess they couldn’t make up their mind.
  3. Exposed gutters: a must for any Fedders worth a lick of salt.

Let’s look around back, shall we?

Ah yes, what would a Fedders Special be without balconies overlooking what appears to be a garage! Note that the lower balcony has been partially painted black. Did they run out of paint? Is this some form of artistic expression? I suppose only they know for certain.

The overall cold-war era feel is augmented by the grey sheet metal doors, exposed cinder blocks and aluminum chimneys. Methinks this building should be named the Sofia Mews— as in Sofia, Bulgaria.

Welcome to the People’s Democratic Republic of Bedford Stuyvesant! Best to mind you P’s and Q’s. Big Brother is watching.

I like to call this photograph Ye Olde Soviet Rust. I can almost hear Khrushchev using a piece of footwear improperly from here…

As with any worker’s paradise, the need for housing for the proletariat is paramount. Thankfully the above beauty has a companion a short distance away on Greene Avenue.

If you worked all week fighting Capitalist swine, you’d be home by now!

Parking for members of the Politburo only.

Great Jumping Yankee Satan’s underpants! Ain’t no way NATO is getting through these doors!

In the event of Free-Market Capitalist military aggression, please head to the bomb shelter conveniently located down stairs.

Numbers?!? Those are decadent! That $1.99 a number could be spent on building munitions. A piece of chalk or pencil will suffice, Comrade.

All you Capitalist pig dogs out there, listen up:

We will bury you

…under ass ugly architecture, that is!*

Miss Heather

*Big props go to Jayspec for coming up with this one!

Land Of The Rising Fedders

May 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Fedders Friday 

Today I have a very special offering for Fedders Friday. This beauty, the highest of the Fedderist style, hails from Bushwick and sports certain accouterments that make it shine exposed gutters and satellite dishes above its peers. As you will see.

This is the glorious sight that awaited me as I walked down Broadway towards Hart Street Wednesday. Note the copious use of Fedders boxes and satellite dishes. Knowing a bona fide find when I see one, I went in for a closer look.

This has got to be a Fedders first: the use of said building to advertise diagnostic services. Wouldn’t you love to come home to this sight everyday? I know I would. What’s more, when you decide to have that special someone over for dinner and she asks you for directions to your bachelor pad you can say “Just look for the diagnostic testing sign”. That will attract the ladies. In spades.

And of course if your lady friends miss the advertisements, these handy medical waste boxes will clue them in. I wonder what’s inside? Used hypodermics? Stool samples? Pap smears? Life is mysterious!

As if all the previous amenities are not enough to convince you this is the place to be, perhaps the exposed electrical meters, mismatched doors and extensive use of cement will.

PVC, bondo and test wells. No sir, they don’t build ’em like this anymore!

The Viridian can keep its fancy-pants virtual golf, sauna and reflecting pool. Chez Hart Street sports an Imperial Japanese motif with accompanying Zen garden where you, the residents, select where the tire goes!

I know what you’re thinking. How can I, a mere gaijin, possibly have a shot at accommodations as luxe as these? Well folks, in the spirit that is Fedders Friday I have saved the best for last!

There are apartaments available for rent! So why not hop onto the J or M train and make this beauty your own?

The more mass transit savvy among you will be pleased to note it is very conveniently located to public transportation. Just knock on the medical waste boxes three times and tell ’em Miss Heather sent you.

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday: Wafertecture Fit For A King!

May 16, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday, Williamsburg 

Yesterday I expounded upon the phenomenon known as “crapification“. Today, in the spirit of Fedders Friday I will throw out a new piece of D-list real estate terminology for your delectation: wafertecture.

Wafertecture (waf’-er-tek’-cher) n. An architectural style commonly employed in the outer boroughs of New York City. Primary distinguishing characteristics include a strong resemblance to a vanilla wafer.

This stylistic genre first caught my eye in Bed-Stuy. Initially I thought it was merely an isolated incident accident. It wasn’t, as I learned on Siegel Street recently.

You can almost taste the rich vanilla goodness from a block away. Yummy.

This slab of sugar looks good enough to eat! I sure hope there isn’t an evil witch lying in wait inside.

Come to think of it, those Fedders boxes have made me lose my appetite. The gratuitous keystones only add to my aesthetic dyspepsia.

But I who am I to judge? These homes are fit for a king! As my husband noted, these lovely four family homes reference the Tudor style— as in two doors rammed together.

Looks like Hansel (or Gretel) escaped!

Miss Heather

P.S.: This piece of shit goes out to Queens Crap.

Fedders Friday: Eckford Street

Today’s installment of Fedders Friday hails from right here in Greenpoint. Many delights await the intrepid traveler who goes to Eckford Street.

Just north of Greenpoint Avenue one can check out 265.

This is the site of Crater Lake, which as you can see, is looking as inviting as ever.

And just down the street at 257 is this, a true masterwork of the Fedderist style.

Fedders boxes are evident, although the builder seems to have decided against placing one here. I am certain Louis Le Vau, the mastermind behind Versailles would understand this architect’s frustration at this egregious and unsolicited modification of his “vision”. That is, if Fedders boxes existed in the 17th century. Philistines.

Thank goodness no expense was spared regarding the use of cement and iron gates.

In keeping with great palaces, this one employed the use of a muralist. Art, after all, inspires and uplifts the soul. Just as Louis the XIV had Charles Le Brun at his service, the fine folks at 257 Eckford have seen fit to retain “DRIP”.

Yes sir your highness, this is one classy establishment.

A gracious host always see to it that his (or her) guests are entertained. In the era of the Sun King this usually entailed having extensively manicured gardens to stroll through and forests stocked with wild animals for the hunt. In Greenpoint we stick to down hill sledding.

As the buzzers attest there is no shortage of hired help on hand to attend to your every need. In addition, those of you who happen to overindulge at the ball, an amply stocked pissoir has thoughtfully been put in place for your convenience.

Tres magnifique!

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday: Gas Guzzler’s Delight

April 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Fedders Friday 

As I put forth in this post, there appears to be a striking corrolation between Fedders Specials and over-sized motor vehicles. Wishing to test my pet theory out, I went to the headquarters of all things Fedders: Bushwick. Here are my findings.

JEFFERSON STREET

This thoroughfare is a hot bed of Fedders activity.

Exhibit A

As you can see, nary a lick of this property was wasted on plant life— not when valuable parking spaces will be lost! Priorities, folks!

Exhibit B

I suppose it would only be logical that the kind of person who doesn’t mind coming home to a Soviet-era pile of crapitecture every day would probably not be too concerned about greenhouse emissions or paying $4.00 for a gallon of gas. To the developer’s credit, at least this building has some semblance of a yard.

Exhibit C

While technically not a Fedders building (the air conditioning boxes are Friedrichs), this building has all the hallmarks of Fedderist Style:

  • Exposed meters
  • No greenery whatsoever
  • Some rather jaunty vandalism and…
  • Ample parking

GEORGE STREET

While not nearly as impressive as its neighbor to the south, it has not been left unscathed. Case in point:

Nothing say “Howdy neighbor” like a five foot tall fence condoning off the entire frontage of your house.

EVERGREEN AVENUE

Ass = Big ass Fedders Special + Big ass cars parked out front

But enough of this penny ante shit! Let’s see us a— how should I say— more statuesque example of Fedderization, shall we?

STOCKHOLM STREET SYNDROME

This one really needs to be seen in person to be appreciated.

But this detail should give you some idea of the delights that await you if you decide to make this monolith your home.

Let’s finish off this week’s installment of Fedder’s Friday with a bang by giving honorable mention to this bad boy on Troutman Street!

Granted, it possesses no Fedders boxes whatsoever but it embodies the spirit of Fedderization.

This is the entrance. The developers left nothing to chance: this gate is a full six feet tall.

Drive safely!

Miss Heather

Fedders Free For All!

April 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bushwick, Fedders Friday, Williamsburg 

I have been trying to figure out which variety of Fedders Specials I hate more: utilitarian buildings that make no effort whatsoever to “fit” into the environment around them or buildings that ape older architecture and fail miserably. I simply cannot make up my mind. For this reason I have decided to feature examples of BOTH for your edification today. Enjoy!

Representing Bushwick, I present to you The Three Faces of Decatur!

Our first contestant hails from the intersection of Decatur Street and Bushwick Avenue. This is the front.

Or is this the front?

Or perhaps this is the front? It’s rather hard to tell. Truth be told, I don’t think this building even knows for certain. If it did, at least the doors would match. Can I speak to Decatur White please?

Representing Carroll Gardens, I present the Columbia Street Cornice.

One of these cornices is authentic, the other is an impostor. Care to guess which one?

If you guessed this one as being the impostor you are correct! That said, this is a pretty admirable reproduction. Whoever fabricated it should be proud.

Unfortunately the same cannot be said about the rest of said building.

What the fuck were they thinking when they did this brickwork over the door and windows? Wait— don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

Which brings me to today’s final contestant. Representing Williamsburg at five stories is…

this thing.

Excusez moi, it’s called the LEANZA.

I wonder what “Leanza” means? Is it Italian for avert your eyes when the scaffolding comes down? Inasmuch as it pains me to write this, I think I might have found a building that makes the Belvederes look tasteful by comparison.

God help us all.

Miss Heather

Fedderfest 2008: Herkimer Street

April 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bed-Stuy, Fedders Friday 

Today’s installment of Fedders Friday focuses on quantity, not quality. I suppose this is apropos given the philosophy belying the architectural legacy that is Feddertecture is to cram as many people (and cement) into as small a place as is humanly possible.

Earlier this week I walked down Herkimer Street. Between Brooklyn and Albany Avenue I beheld no less than NINETEEN Fedders buildings. Let’s count them, shall we?

1,2,3,4,5,6,7 all good taste has gone to heaven.

I didn’t number this one because it would blemish the seizure-inducing brickwork. This sickening sextet reminds me of a vanilla wafer. Super-sized. We’re up to (un)lucky 13!

The local Fedders salesman must have made a fortune on this block.

Wouldn’t you love to look out at your living room window to see the grill of a Range Rover? I know I would. For those of you who have been counting, this makes nineteen Fedders Specials to seven SUVs/vans. Is there a relationship between gas guzzling motor vehicles and Fedders? That, my friends, will be the subject of another post!

Miss Heather

Bushwick Barf-O-Rama!

March 28, 2008 ·
Filed under: Fedders Friday 

That’s right folks, it’s time for Fedders Friday! This week I had a hard time deciding which building to feature so I decided to feature three fine-ass Fedders from Bushwick for your afternoon enjoyment. Ready? Let’s go!

Bushwick Barf 1

I like to call this architectural style Art Stucco.

Bushwick Barf 2

Here’s a second view. Not only is aluminum siding thrown in the mix but if you look closely, you can count twenty Fedders boxes!

Bushwick Barf 3

I’m a big fan of this building which (like the previous building) is located on Schaeffer Street. The architect got a little crazy here and laid out the Fedders in a zig zag fashion. Tres jaunty!

Bushwick Barf 4

The addition of a security camera is a nice touch. It offsets the exposed gutters quite nicely.

Bushwick Barf 6

Last, but hardly least for those of you who prefer your digs to have a more utilitarian lived-in look, this monolithic beauty awaits you on Jefferson Street.

Miss Heather

  • NYS Flickr Pool

    The One CrewSnowy SeagullsWalking the Dog in the Snow
  • Ads